Time has always been this great, elusive concept to me. I often reflect on what my life was like a year ago and find it drastically different from the former. My time as a college student is nearing its end and I've replayed memories in my head more frequently than I watch The Office reruns (because in all seriousness, is there a greater show?) (The answer is no.) I can remember crying, hugging friends and strangers alike, when our school won a National Championship. Dancing so long I'd fallen asleep with my shoes on. Dining hall meals so inedible, I'd often resort to eating stale Cheerios for dinner. Sharing stories and laughs with friends so great that my triple espresso shot right out of my nose (okay, maybe that one didn't happen). There are some great memories I've made, but there were some that made me wonder if I'd ever be able to keep going again. I can remember getting a phone call at 2am informing me that a good friend of mine was missing, and was later pronounced murdered. The first time I experienced a panic attack away from home. Failing out of my major. Twice. People that I thought were in my life for the long haul that weren't. Health issues. Finding that my family was broken. Each time a new trial arose, I asked the same question: God, why are you allowing this? What did I do to deserve this? Do you even love me? Where. Are. You? Then, I heard just a whisper. "I am here, child. I am with you always. To the very end." (Matt 28:20) Then why do I feel so indescribably alone? "You will seek me and you WILL find me, daughter. When you seek me with your heart." (Jer 29:13) I don't know how. I'm not strong enough. Not smart enough. "Sweet daughter, I am with you. I WILL strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you." (Isa 41:10) What a promise, friends. Lovely readers of mine, if I could grab a cup of coffee with each of you and listen to your stories, I would love nothing more. While I don't know each of your individual stories, I know life has this tendency of kicking us where the sun don't shine. Suffering is a friend to many of us. I wish I could answer all of your questions, hug you, and make you forget that you're hurting. As someone who came out on the other side, what I can tell you is this - you will get through this. Not because "life-is-great-if-you-just-believe-it-is" or because you're stronger than this. On the contrary, you're not even a little bit. One of my favorite things about this sweet Savior named Jesus is that He promises to be with us (Josh 1:9). He promises to comfort us (Psalm 23:4). He promises to never leave us (Psalm 139:7-10). He promises nothing can separate us from Him (Rom 8:38-39). He promises rest and hope (Psalms 62:5). He even weeps with us because he hurts when we're hurting (John 11:35). If we would just look up from our suffering long enough to see. Sweet friends who lift you up during these storms and let you cry it out are a gift from above. Counseling is also a great resource where I've been able to learn significantly more about myself and heal from past wounds, but I'm still left with questions unanswered. My trials are still ongoing. But there is a joy I have experienced in the midst of complete tragedy. There is a hope in my soul that keeps me going. And I have to choose to physically take heart (John 16:33) when I have none. I have to choose to trust God is allowing this to happen for reasons I won't understand right now. And that He loves me enough to walk through it with me. This is His promise. So take heart.
1 Comment
That's a great question.
I'm glad you asked. Ages ago a good friend of mine told me I needed to start writing. Another friend said I should start a blog. Most of my English professors both require and suggest this practice. It made sense. There are unpublished copies of children's books my 7-year-old self has written that are laying around in a dusty bookshelf somewhere. Even still, I wasn't sure. The world does not need another blogger. I'm not even that great of a writer. What earthly reason would anyone care about what I have to say? What if people I know read it and think it's dumb? The list goes on. Ultimately, I decided to go for it. Mostly, because it's what I love to do. I love the art of stringing words together and the idea of it resonating with someone. I love connecting to people. I love to use my voice and be a single instrument amongst many that create something melodic. So I'm doing it. I'm not entirely sure what all this will entail. I don't always know what to write about. Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing. As another good friend (and fellow blogger) said, I'm just going with it. My one hope is to provide a place of encouragement, honesty, and somewhere you can kick off your shoes and relax for just a moment. Here's to starting. |
AuthorStephanie is wrapping up her final year of her Bachelor's in English. She can be found curled up with a good book, playing her ukulele, or enjoying the occasional (everyday) taco. Archives
September 2016
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