An honest question. A question most of us have asked at some point or another and if you haven't yet, you will at some point, because life has this funny way of knocking us down harder than Ronda Rousey in an MMA match. It's a question I've asked often this semester. On December 31, 2015, I sat on the pier of my grandparent's modest beach condo, a glass of sparkling grape juice in hand. My whole-life-friend-and-cousin, Ashley, sat beside me and we reflected on how 2015 had left us feeling a little beaten and bruised, but agreed we were ready to start the new year. (Can I get an amen?) After a much needed winter break, we both went back to our respective schools to finish our senior years strong. I was encouraged. I had a love for God's Word, direction about the things I was passionate about, and a spring in my step. Within the first couple of weeks back, I had restored some broken relationships, started new ones, and felt a sense of purpose I hadn't felt in a LONG time. Then, mid-January arrived and with it came a high fever that escalated some misdiagnosed health problems I had been having for the last year and a half. At first, I spent most days in bed because it was physically miserable to get up. Days turned to weeks, and then I spent most days in bed because I was angry. I was exhausted simultaneously with depressive thoughts and panic attacks.
I got pretty real with God. I had never felt so stuck before. (Hence the lack of posts. Sorry friends!) Sure, I'd been through crummy stuff before, but this was the first time I had experienced God's silence. I hated it. It made me feel like God was out of reach. He promised all of these wonderful things for those who earnestly sought Him, so why wasn't he healing me physically or mentally? Why did He feel so dang far? Thankfully, I am surrounded by some pretty great friends and mentors who extended A LOT of grace and comfort my way, burrito-rolled me into a blanket, and were just present. They had some pretty great words of wisdom that stuck, but hands down the best news I have heard in my 21 years of life, next to the gospel, came from a book called Missing Pieces by Jennifer Rothschild: "He is I Am. He is NOT I wish or I feel or I think." Okay, think about that for a second. Like, really. Think. How often do I project my expectations of what I think God should be on to Him? Then get upset when He doesn't work in the way I want Him to? Does that make Him less God? When things are great, I believe God is good. So when all of the turd hits the fan, do I really believe what I say I do?
Truth Bomb: Maybe God isn't whatever you're making Him out to be. Maybe He actually is who He says He is. (You can cross out the maybes.) Seriously. I am not God. I don't know why He does what He does and it would be exhausting to come up with reasons He may be allowing whatever it is you're going through. I don't know why He chose not to heal me immediately, or why it was such a lonely road. (For my visual people: Lucy asks Aslan the same question in this scene of Prince Caspian. Really, click it.) But what I do know is that He so very much cares. When you feel like He doesn't, remember who He is. If you have to remind yourself, like I did, do it. (Right now!) [Luke 9:20] - "But you, who do YOU say I am?" He is forgiving (1 John 1:9), He IS hope (Romans 15:13), He is caring (Psalms 34:19), He is loving (Romans 5:5), He knows all (Psalms 139:1-2). Yes, he cares for YOU. (Isaiah 49:15) You reading this. Hear this from me. Do not give up. Ever. He cares for you more than you or I can think or imagine. Believe it, friend.
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AuthorStephanie is wrapping up her final year of her Bachelor's in English. She can be found curled up with a good book, playing her ukulele, or enjoying the occasional (everyday) taco. Archives
September 2016
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